STOP “CHECKING UP” ON YOUR FRIENDS IF YOUR FAVOURITE CELEBRITY CHOOSES TO DIE BY SUICIDE
and new lessons to take with you in 2023
A couple of days ago a famous person decided they no longer want to exist in this world and the internet is yet again shocked at how a person who brought “happiness and light” to everyone around them could have done such a thing and how they never saw the “signs.”
This prompted people, several public figures, celebrities to seek their friends and followers on social media and urged them to “check up on your friends” because they probably need reminding to “reach out for help” but it’s “okay not to be okay” because “we really don’t know what someone is going through until it’s too late.”
I quoted these phrases, platitudes, scripts under the pretext of good intentions, and common narratives for a very specific and intentional reason and one of those reasons is because behind these phrases are astounding, complete cluelessness of the harm outside of the world around them. It also assumes that a quick chat or a phone call will magically “fix” things.
As someone who struggles with depression and suicidal ideation, this is unhelpful and let me tell you why:
There are several factors that contribute to a person’s decision to transition and funnelling it down to a singular reductive cause is not only ignorant but inherently dismissive and invalidating.
RACISM IN MENTAL HEALTH UNDER CAPITALISM
healthcare under imperialism and capitalism is impossible
I have written in the past about how psychiatric institutions are an extension of the carceral system. An oppressive structure that continues to profit off of people’s struggles and trauma and is rooted in colonialism. Moreover, it was established by an elite group of White men.
Over the course of the pandemic, we were introduced to DSM-5 where instead of seeing people’s natural responses - or symptoms of someone struggling with mental health - to their environment/setting or the pandemic, it was legitimized as yet another disorder.
Neoliberals have done another great deal of pathologizing every traumatic experience the pandemic has put people through especially marginalized communities because of inequity by making us feel “defective” and “abnormal.” In order to get people back to “the grind” and “hustle,” they coerce people to assimilate and conform through manipulation so that they may return to a world in their - what is ideally - “normal behaviour” for a good, buzzing, working little bee.
In truth, whether the pandemic happened or not, our society, globally, was never equipped to care for the vast majority of the population because psychiatry and psychiatric institutions were created not only to establish what is considered “the norm,” but to serve and protect the White elite, the rich, and those who inherited generational wealth who can afford healthcare in the first place. In other words, capitalism shapes our perception; thus, shapes “the norm;” and therefore, shapes diagnosis. This distorts our perception of ourselves. This is inherently harmful to Neurodivergents especially Neurodivergent Black and Non-Black people of colour.
NEURODIVERGENT AND ABLEISM UNDER CAPITALISM
First of all, I think we have established by now that there is no such thing as “normal.” It’s an arbitrary standard part of the neoliberal/individualistic/capitalist wellness rhetoric. It is meant to make you believe what is “wrong” with the person is unique/individual or innate when so much of a person’s health is a result of their environment.
Second, I have mentioned in the past that society continues to disable us; and conformity is not exactly everyone’s choice. Even Neurotypicals are forced to conform to a particular set of standards; however, others who are able to blend in and comply better usually have an edge over those who can’t.
Usually, those who don’t/can’t “fit in” and stray outside of the norm are often disordered and dehumanized. This colonial, capitalist framework is used to justify our diagnoses of natural responses to our respective environments.
Third, many socialists/anarchists/proletariats/communists, the working class and poor people in the global south do not use a lot of Western jargon to describe their (our) experiences. While language is very important to describe situations, many people who do not keep up with Western mainstream media don’t feel the need to use them because we understand that the root of the problem is not racism or sexism or the patriarchy - it is capitalism.
A lot of people and those who lack access to basic resources have no other choice but to follow and obey rules in order to survive, and one of the common things that NDs do in order to survive is masking.
You’d be surprised how far our imaginations can go especially when trauma is involved. This is also a reason why a lot of performers, writers, and artists are NDs.
When I was in college before I purposely failed an entire semester, I’d attend classes twice a week and come up with several reasons and illnesses out of desperation. I was able to manipulate reasoning, moved and gestured a certain way that looked believable. Autists, ADHDers, OCDers, and people with PTSD are intimately familiar with trauma. And when we detect a pattern in social situations, we respond and act accordingly.
Neurodivergents are not a monolith. They (we) are just as diverse as Neurotypicals. Now don’t put words in my mouth either. I’m not saying NDs are all liars. What I’m saying is that our responses to social situations, situations in which we are expected to socialize what is deemed acceptable or good, are based on the degree to which we feel safe around people out of self-preservation. I did what I had to do because the reality was, I was depressed. I was drowning. And not a single person helped me.
The first time I told my parents I was depressed, my father called me a failure and yelled at me in front of my siblings who didn’t/couldn’t do anything either. Four years later, I gave it another shot and it was the same. When I was 18 a person who did not menstruate from a private Catholic university I used to go to said that my menstrual cramps were not an excuse to miss classes. I failed that subject because the instructor wouldn’t allow me to take the test I missed that day because the person decided that my writhing in pain because of menstrual cramps was not an excuse; all the while I was writhing in pain as I sat in his office and watch him laugh that I even misspelt the word.
GETTING TO THE POINT OF THIS TITLE…
Now you might be wondering how does any of this relate to the title of this letter?
As we get closer to 2023, in fact you don’t even need to wait for next year, family reunions are happening during the holidays so you might want to start practising now. Remember, theory without praxis is useless.
Ask yourself these self-reflection questions:
Can you really tell if someone needs help?
How are YOU the problem? Social media has created a culture of identifying what’s “toxic” and what’s not. Knowing how you may be harming people is just as important as knowing when you are being harmed by others.
Would you only believe a person is ND or struggling with mental illness if they have a “formal” diagnosis? The only reason I disclosed my depression with my parents, is because a psychiatrist/“therapist” who had over 25 years of experience then (he has over 30 years now) from my hometown told me I should tell them without understanding the relationship I had with them. I took his word because I assumed he knew better - boy, was I wrong! It was the same “therapist” who said I should probably go back to church. That was the last time I saw him.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: if you don’t feel around your parents or family to share details about your life, don’t share anything unless you know you can trust them to hold a sacred space for you.
Do you solely rely on the imperialist, colonial talking points or traditional education and training, and believe that it is more legitimate than ancestral knowledge or apprenticeship?
In what ways are you practising your values?
After telling you how I struggled with depression with the people I was surrounded with and I know there are PLENTY of people who have similar experiences, do you honestly expect any one of us will disclose anything to you? Do you honestly think a person who uses “you need to get checked by a doctor” as an insult is someone we can trust? Or who thinks “you are what you attract” is supposed to be a safe person? Do you think you’re making it better if they heard you say “it could be worse” or “this will pass”?
If you don’t know what your friend is going through, is because you are either the last person they want to talk to about it or you were never on the list to begin with. And you might just be more of a threat to them than they are to themself by replicating traumatic patterns they had gone through. If you don’t know what your friends are going through, you can “check up” on them all day, every day, and you will get the same answer. So many people push the same vague narrative to just “be kind” but a lot of them really aren’t.
These people don’t want a sad angry friend, they want a friend who inspires them. Someone who already went through their character arc; that inner journey; that character development; these are the same people who are only interested in and want to hear your “greatest plot twist,” your success story, not your depression. Unless you are capable of (or have the capacity to) holding space for your friend, I suggest rethinking checking up on them.
To those who have kids now, in what ways are you teaching your kids about not just the aspect of mental health but about the world they live in? What sort of practices and values do you normalize at home? I ask this because this is the generation who will grow into adults and contribute to the world. Adults who will soon be creating relationships outside of your home. Some of you think “it’s okay not to be okay” but it’s actually not okay when “not being okay” actually means they have been at the receiving end of sexism and ableism and discrimination - that’s not okay especially if it was caused by someone who was raised in a family or culture that normalized and justified discrimination and punishment. These are the kids we are rearing who will either make it a difficult or safe place to live in this world.
When a person does open to you about wanting to stop living, how do you respond? Part of destigmatizing mental health and suicide is actually talking about suicide no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Sometimes people are not looking to talk about why they’re sad. Sometimes they’re looking for someone to help them out with the groceries, help take care of the kids - most of the time people need others to help them meet their needs.
Therapy can only do so much and a lot of therapizing doesn’t even address systemic problems. It is a colonial capitalist framework.
Before you “check up” on that friend, assess your relationship with them.
How are you trying to help? How are you practising to be a better person?
Thank you for reading! x
If you found this helpful consider sharing it to your friends.
With love, solidarity and beyond,
Ga xxx